Dammit, enough already.

No, seriously. Enough already. Enough Guitar-Drum-Bass-Vocal Hero shit. I was pissed when Guitar Hero 3 came out and it had its own aisle in Best Buy, but I was willing to just ignore it. Now look at what you all did. All of you plastic-button-strum bar players. Look at what you all
did.

The Guitar Hero KFC meal!? What the hell is wrong with the world!? Why is it rated "T" for Teen? Why does the guitar player on the box look so pissed? Most importantly, why the HELL does it even exist!? You can't honestly tell me that this isn't whoring out. This is how Rock music is going to die, through a plastic guitar. We're all going to drink our Guitar Juice energy drinks (Oh, just you wait, it's coming), eat our KFC Guitar meals, go home and play Guitar Hero : Famous Classic Rock or Metal Band, then sign online and debate WHY Dragonforce is so much better than Dream Theater. Personally, I'm using Guitar Hero Communications for my internet service, so I get the faster connection. Because speed is what the guitar is all about, right? RIGHT? Bastards...

Clothes, clothes, CLOTHES!

You know what we need? Less people. There really are a lot of people around here and they kinda annoy me. Everywhere I go there are people. And usually where there are people, there are people talking. And walking, and eating, and wearing stupid clothes. They're so stupid! Nobody knows how to dress anymore. Back in the 90's, the culture was stupid too, but back then I could understand why people bought into that shit. In the late 90's I remember people loving Britney Spears and the WB and Will Smith movies. I didn't like any of it, but I understood why people liked it. Now here we are ten years later, and I'm at a point where I don't even understand OR like today's pop culture. I DON'T understand the appeal of emo music, I DON'T understand why people love fucking horrible teen-queen dramafest "comedies" like Juno (you know there's something wrong with society when a movie doesn't actually have to have any jokes in it to be considered a "comedy" film), and I'll be damned if I'm going to understand anytime soon how Miley Cyrus has made pedophilia socially acceptable in this country. WOW LOOK AT THESE PICS OF MILEY IN THE SHOWER! YEAH I KNOW SHE'S 15 BUT DAYUMMMM MAN IN THIS OTHER ONE YOU CAN SEE HER NIPPLES! I thought child pornography was illegal here? Congrats, Miley-- people wouldn't think of jacking off to kids, unless they're you, thanks to how you and your band of Disney spawn have saturated pop culture to the point where I can't even wander aimlessly around a Wal-Mart without coming across a Hannah Montana-branded package of Tampax, or whatever. I get really flustered thinking about this stuff, and I have to pull up my favorite program: WinSex32. It actually comes with Microsoft Office 2009 Enterprise Datacenter Professional Titanium Server Ultimate Edition, which I just grabbed off RapidShare. You didn't notice? It's there, look again. So anyway, I was about to have sex with my computer and I was configuring it for cowgirl style.

Actually, it's not really called WinSex32, is it? It really should be called Windows ASS Manager, so you can MANAGE that ass before you tap it. But I was talking about pop culture. People these days dress stupider than ever. Body art seems more popular than it ever has been, especially that very socially-acceptable form of self-mutilation called a tatoo. When you crash and burn and wreck your car and get scars all over your face, it's an accident, but someone with a needle and a cotton swab does it, it's a tattoo. And these emo morons never stop to think about whether or not they like the clothese they buy, or if the clothes they buy make them look like a complete tool. Hey, look! There's a 16 year old dude wearing eyeliner, white face paint, dyed black and pink hair, striped socks, fake tattoos, body piercings, and a My Chemical Romance t-shirt. And some stupid looking pants, probably. Look how cool he is! And then you go up to one of them and you ask them why they're dressed like a dildo, and they just go "I dunno." No, asshat, there IS a reason you look like that. You're insecure and have no dignity or independence when it comes to your appearance. Teenagers just a few years younger than I am have actually taken a liking to shit-festival bands like Panic at the Disco through some horrible accident of nature, and now they all want to look like the faggots that make up those bands. And then you call them on it, and they say "DON'T JUDGE ME ON MY APPEARANCE!" Sure, that sounds reasonable. You chose your own clothes, put them on yourself, and then want me to completely ignore them?

There's a REASON why ANYONE wears ANY clothes. A guy wears sweatpants because he can't be fucked to wear REAL pants, for example. A middle-school emo fag dresses himself in black clothes and makeup because he's too insecure to have his own style. Why do people who dress as ridiculous as they can on purpose think that's a style? That's not a style, buddy, at least not anymore. You cover yourself in bracelets and bright colors (including your hair) and you think you look original? Lots of people look like that, and they're called Wapanese. Sorry, you lose again.

Jeebus, people make me angry. Especially GameStop. You know how when you walk into GameStop and you feel yourself being gently fucked in the ass, even when nobody is behind you? Of course you must know that feeling. That is the big black penis of a soulless corportion bent on taking as much money as they can from you whether or not it they make any sense doing it. FOR EXAMPLE. This stupid new Metal Gear Solid 4, right? Haven't played it, and probably won't until about ten years from now when PS3's are $50, or sooner if they port it to the 360. Seriously, I talked to a GameStop employee who said he beat it ten times and was going to get a Solid Snake tattoo soon. It's because of morons like that guy how GameStop rapes its customers every time they come in the store with their price gouging. Metal Gear Solid: the Twin Snakes is a GameCube game that was a Player's Choice game, meaning it sold at least 100,000 copies. So therefore there are a shitload of copies out there, and the game sold for $20 new. But because of MGS losers buying up all the overpriced merchandise they can find, GameStop literally doubled the price of a used copy from $18 to $35. Oy! Bravo, GameStop. Way to buy used games for about three or four bucks each and then sell them at a ten-bazillion percent markup. Of course the practice of buying low and selling high is standard business, but every other store in the world will smile at you to help distract you from how you're getting fucked hard in the wallet. GameStop employees are rude, smartass punks who think they're doing you a favor by NOT giving you a discount on something when they can't find the damn box. And I could go on and on.

But enough about GameStop. Don't buy stuff there anymore, please go there and yell at them for why a used Katamari Damacy is $30 when it CAME OUT at $20 new, stop listening to shit bands and/or Radio Disney, and go have sex with your computer like I'm doing right now.

Holy Fuckin' Shit, Batman!

This week shows me that you DO learn something new every day!

* You learn that one of your closest friends is moving to a town that's literally a five hour train ride away from you - next week - for two years.

And only tells you YESTERDAY.

* You witness (only for a split second, I walked in on 'em by accident) a very, very good friend getting violated willingly by two other guys, and learn later that this wasn't the first occasion something like this has happened.

* You learn that you were the only one not "getting any" at the party on Friday night!

* You find out the girl you're REALLY fucking into despises smokers.

* You learn that trying to kick cigarettes IS actually difficult.

Looking back on this week,

it's just been shit.
Really. Worst week ever.

On a lighter note, we also learn that Jonathan Ingram from Policenauts smokes the same brand as me.

Woo-hoo.

I <3 the Spears sisters!

Seriously, I love them. I want to grab them both very tight and MAKE SEX to them. Especially Jamie Lynn, she's so cute- and she's a tender 16 years of age. Not even legal in some states!

Oh, right. The make sex thing above- I didn't take into account that Jamie Lynn already enjoys HEALTHY DOSES OF PENIS. She likes peeling bananas. Licking the fleshy, veiny lollipop. She likes... pork? The girl's 16 and she's pregnant. It's quite simply the best news I've heard since finding out the PlayStation 2 is outselling the PlayStation 3 at a ratio of 2:1- but I digress. (And if you've got PS3, you're a brainless Sony fanboy)

The Spears family is SO entertaining! Britney first amused us with her mindless pop and underage temptations back in the late 90's. Now here she is, old and scraggly at 26, but still has some half-decent tits even though she doesn't know how to take care of her fucking kids. And don't start me on K-Fed, the epitome of stupid loser boyfriends who inexplicably get to score some serious ass.

Yeah, I know I sound like a gossip blog, fuck you. I'm really happy. Seriously. !!! Did you see those? They said all that needed to be said.

Jamie is the worthless mall-rat little sister of Britney who scored her own TV show on Nickelodeon three years ago because of her inherent talents as an actress and teen role-model. And look at this! The bitch is KNOCKED UP! She's dating a guy she met at CHURCH (according to Wikipedia), who apparently is such a devout Christian that he doesn't believe in birth control. Or at least that's what he told her (come on, she's gotta be a retarded cunt anyway, a meat bag like her will believe anything) to get into her tender, underage vagina without the nuisance of a condom. Heaven forbid. They give the damn things away for FREE on Facebook, jackass. Maybe I'm just jealous because he's 18 and he gets to score 16-year-old poontang.

And it gets better! She's going to MOVE TO LOUISIANA (again according to Wikipedia) to raise the baby. What a good idea. White trash begets more white trash. It never ends. Yeah, why move from a seriously great city like Los Angeles, where she must live because she had a TV show before becoming a reckless cum-sponge, to Louisiana? This is a family that will bring us joy and laughter for many generations to come.

I'm glad she's happy. I'm glad that she's at least saying she's happy and she came clean with her worthless fetus before she got too visible and would have suffered even MORE shame than what's going on all over celebrity news forums right now. How wonderful is it that the Spears family got a baby in 2006 from 25-year-old Britney, and another will spring forth again from the womb of 17-year-old (she will be at the time) Jamie, in 2008?

The best part- seriously, the BEST PART about watching and laughing at a teen pregnancy is how the girl thinks she's in love. Last time I checked, love is not about producing unnecessary babies that are just going to take up space and food and time in my bathroom. The girl thinks what she has is real. It's delusion. Love really is delusion. This is why I haven't had a girlfriend in over three years. When her idiot 18-year-old stud leaves his jailbait, we can all stand by and watch the madness unfold. We can laugh at Jamie march right behind her sister into a shitty life of media scrutiny coupled with the fact that they're useless white trash... into the loam...

Hey, maybe I should drop out!

Golly gee, I sure love this Christmas vacation. They give us a week and a half off from school to get the hell away and do whatever we want FOR A WEEK AND A HALF! Sometimes I can barely believe my luck when I'm sitting here on this dirty mattress a foot away from all of this rotting food garbage, torrenting games I'll never play for a system that I barely use. I got my PS2 modded and the bastards up in Canada don't know their shit. I think what must have happened is that my console was the last one they did before they got to leave for Christmas, so this asshole did a crap job installing the modchip and got solder all over the motherboard and now CD-R's DON'T WORK! It's a good thing I have a crapload of DVD-R's. They're right there on the table. I bought them in Staples. I literally must have 150 blank DVD-R's here. I wonder if I burned a PSX image to a DVD, would it work? Would the PS2 go crazy and fry the modchip? I'm sending it back to Canada, which sucks by the way because they're slackers obviously, so they can deal with it and I can go play Xbox.

Right now I spend my days doing four things everyone loves to do when they don't have a girlfriend or any friends period-- eating, sleeping, jacking off, playing video games and sitting on the internet looking for more video games to download. That's actually five things. I forgot about the jacking off when I wrote "four" up there. I hope nobody I know reads this. Nobody reads this blog period, so I'm cool. What's good about playing video games is that you have something to do besides looking at porn and trying to stop yourself from seething over the state of your social life and how you're a senior in high school with things being about the same as they were in freshman year. I thought things were supposed to get better. Why am I not getting laid and hanging out with the "hoopsters" and the "ballers"? In fact, I used to do that until I realized that masturbation is king, to quote the Diceman. Hey, at least I got to meet Billy Mummy at a sci-fi con last month.

See, it's like this- why shouldn't I be able to do this all the time? Why shouldn't I be able to sit on Xbox Live for ten hours a day playing Rock Band (drums, on medium) with strangers over the internet? It's like I have a bunch of friends who teleport into my basement, play some Rock Band with me, tell me how much they love me and how we must simply do this more often, preferably over tea and crumpets, and then they teleport out and I never see them again. Rock Band is a fun game. Louis thought up the name of the band, it's called Doctor Rock. He says it's from a Ween song. I never listen to Ween. Fuck Ween.

If you go to college, you almost always have to get a job, unless you go to grad school, at which point everyone will assume that you're never going to get a job, because you're 35 and you've been chasing a Ph.D for the past seventeen years so you can just slither back into an apartment, live on welfare, get all your entertainment for FREE via the internet and live happy. That sounds like a plan. I should do that. Really, I should. See, in this state (it's very cold and the people are assholes) the income tax is 40%. Can you imagine? Imagine this, then- it's like if you had ten peanuts, then someone just took four of them away and said, yeah man, I'm taking these peanuts, tough shit, G. For some reason I'm thinking about how much David Bowie annoys me right now, but come on, I'm not going to digress that easily. So you have six peanuts left. And dammit, I worked HARD to get those ten peanuts, and if every time I make ten peanuts, they're gonna steal four of them, why should I even bother trying? The simple answer is that I shouldn't work, I should keep living here in splendor and comfort with a free cable internet connection and all the Chef Boyardee I can eat. And you can put that in your pipe and smoke it.

8-track tapes suck.

I mean, seriously, how stupid were people in the seventies? You guys put up with folk rock, earth tones, and this shit? Boy, am I glad to be part of Generation Y, or whatever generation I'm supposed to be part of.

These fucking things piss me off. When I was younger I developed a small infatuation for 8-tracks. A used record store had a whole mess of them for cheap, so I got a player and messed around with them. I was utterly disappointed with them. Let's put the 8-track up against an EVEN OLDER technology, the compact cassette:

-8-tracks can't rewind
-Four times the size of a compact cassette
-Built like shit so the tape breaks
-The track changes are signaled by a piece of metal tape, that always fell off and got me angry since I was 9 and didn't know what the hell to do to fix it
-Songs get cut off because the damn things can only hold fifteen minutes per "track"
-Albums have to be resequenced to avoid having songs get cut off, which didn't always work
-Big huge sticker on the top of the cartridge so you can admire the ugly 70's album artwork and get stains all over it
-1/4 inch tape, so potentially much better sounding than a cassette, but they still sounded like ass
-Most of the tapes I had were lousy big band albums by Glenn Miller and shit

None of the above lousy traits apply to the compact cassette.

I had a tape of the B-52's album Wild Planet. It was a good album. I really liked the first song, "Party Out of Bounds". Whenever the song finished I always wanted to hear it again. But I couldn't. I had to sit through "Quiche Lorraine" or some other lousy track (because, you know, not every B-52's song is that good). In retrospect, "Private Idaho" was a good song. So you know what I did? I ended up copying "Party Out of Bounds" to a cassette. You know, a smaller tape that could hold more music, was built better, and developed before the 8-track. Holy crap, do I feel dirty and ashamed sharing this part of my history with you, my imaginary readerbase.

Hey, hey hey hey hey...

Don't, like, stop reading the blog. I'm just going through some things. I promise PROMISE I'll do some things...And then we'll be back on track and this blog will skyrocket to the top of the blogosphere and be bombarded by toxic doses of pompous assholery and unthoughtout criticism.